Why, Hello There!

An Announcement

2011-06-29T18:20:00.002-06:00

So,
if you're a reader of this blog, I'm really quite sorry. I have decided to keep my New Zealand blog as my only blog, and will no longer be updating this one. I don't know why I haven't let you know that up to this point, but alas, se la vie.

Come over and join me at my adventure blog!

Sacrifice

2011-03-13T17:50:00.002-06:00

I know I said I wasn't going to be posting on this blog while in New Zealand, but this post fits this personal blog more than my New Zealand blog. I hope you continue to check my updates on that blog, however, I need to write this here, if not for you, for me.

I have been blessed so much on this trip. So much doesn't even cover it. Abundantly, too, seems inadequate.

I came here to New Zealand for educational purposes. What I didn't realize was this trip is and has already taught me to be better. To be better in so many ways, but most specifically as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

John and Amy have taken me in and have made so many sacrifices for me. Sometimes I feel really bad, but whenver I say anything they brush it off. Like today, I was doing the dishes and washing off the bench, and Amy told me not to worry about it, and I replied, "Well, I need to make some sort of contribution while I'm here." And Amy replied as sincere as ever, "You being here is the contribution Tiffany."

I guess I'm thinking more about it today than normal, because our lesson today in Relief Society was sacrifice. I think of all the sacrifices John and Amy have done for me, and I'm overwhelmed.

So what I'm learning in New Zealand isn't the educational system (though I have learned about it) or the ESL Classroom. Instead I'm learning about the gosple and what people do to serve their fellow man and to serve God. I want to remember John and Amy forever. I want to remember their humble plea for me to stay with them. I want to remember the conversations we have. But mostly, mostly I want to remember the example they are setting for me, so that I may be better, and I can, in return, serve those around me, whereever I may end up. Serve them happily and humbly, because that's what John and Amy are doing for me on a daily basis while I'm staying here.

New Zealand Blog

2011-02-24T14:46:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,
I'm sorry it's been a while. I had a lot to do before I left, and then the 23rd snuck up on me. Anywho... I won't be posting to this blog while I'm in New Zealand, so if you want to know what's new, visit:
thenewzme.blogspot.com

See you over there!

McIntosh

2011-02-02T19:20:00.003-07:00

Last time I went to the store, I went to the local grocery store, and they had a lot more variety than the chain stores do.

Anyway, I bought some McIntosh apples, because one of the last times I went to Kale's to visit, he told me to bring some McIntosh apples because they make the best pies.

So when I went to the store a week ago-ish, I saw some McIntosh apples, and so I bought a few.

I was really excited, because I used to eat this flavor of apple all the time. Today however, I really didn't like it, at all. It was softish and had a mealy texture. I liked the flavor, it reminded me of a simpler time.

It reminded me of when I was in Bondand, living across the highway from my grandparents. My grandpa had a small apple orchard, and every fall we would go and climb ladders and pick apples for several weekends in the fall. The taste brought so many memories back to my mind. Back to a simpler, happier time. Walking across the slimy, rotten apples that weren't yet picked, throwing the apples with worms in them at my brothers.

Oh, how I wish my life was simple and easy again. Sometimes I get sad, really say in fact, because of how much I missed out on.... I know a lot of it is my own doing, but of late, I've been feeling a lot of regret.

I think a lot of it has to do with the whole "growing up" thing, and the "graduating" thing, and the "being an adult" thing... Well you get the point.

Anyway, I just realized today, how much I miss home, and how much I miss the simpler times.

The LOVES of my life

2011-01-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't shown any pictures lately, so I thought I would share a few of my Favs of late :D

Namara and her baby

Me and Namara-- I realized I didn't have many/any pictures of just the two of us, hence this photo op I took advantage of.

Tobin doing Yoga with Aunt-T on the Wii fit-- Can you find anything cuter?

Tobin and Aunt-T-- I love this boy

A Namara/Aunt-T moment. Cute little girl.

Seriously? Love.

They were so cute cuddled up together on the couch. A minute or two before this, I was on there too = uncomfortable, yet wonderful.

I Love Love Love Love LOVE this photo of Maraleigh. It just makes me smile.

Wow.

2011-01-26T20:48:00.002-07:00

I have been "student teaching" at the highschool just north of Logan since the beginning of January. I have experienced quite a few emotions since I have started, and for a while it was resentment.

But today, today was a good day. I had an amazing lesson, I connected with students, and I pacified a few of my students's frustrations and anxieties. I remembered (once again) why I went into teaching. Why I always felt like this is something I wanted to do.

I really just had a great day. I didn't feel like I was constantly at odds with my cooperating teacher, and I didn't feel like the kids were bored out of their minds.

I'm really excited for this chapter in my life.

I'm also really excited to start learning and experiencing new things.

All you Need is Love

2011-01-19T20:09:00.001-07:00

I just bought this adorable sign from Hobby Lobby last week.

Everytime I see it, I start singing the Beatles song. And I realize, all I really do need is love.

I used to hate that saying. Mainly because finding "love" is hard for me. But this sign helps remind me what Love really is.

Love is loving yourself for yourself. Loving who you are in spite of you. I know the same is true for when you have someone special in your life, because for a short time I did have someone special in my life, and I loved him in spite of him.

But it's loving yourself. It's knowing that people around you, love you. It's knowing your Heavenly Father loves you. It's loving your Heavenly Father. It's loving the people around you. It isn't the mushy gooshy nonsense. At least not to me. To me it's so much deeper, and yet so much more surface level than that.

To me, simply put, it's loving yourself.

Raised by a Rat

2011-01-18T20:57:00.002-07:00

So once upon a time, there was a mommy rat and a daddy rat. These two rats never had much when they were baby rats, so they held on to anything and everything, piling it up where ever they found room. They kept things they found. They kept things they were given. They kept things they purchased from the local rat market. Basically, anything that found it's way into their little rat hands, they found a spot to put it and kept it.

Eventually, these two rats had three baby rats. The three baby rats never had much, but they always had enough. However, they were raised by rats who kept everything and so these three baby rats too kept everything they possessed. The few times the baby rats decided to go through their things and get rid of it, the momma rat would come in, and go through everything the baby rats had put in a pile to get rid of. The momma rat would hold everything up, and say "are you sure you're never going to use this again? because you won't be able to get a new one." The momma rat would look through everything the baby rats tried to get rid of, and put the majority of it back into the baby rats' habitat.

These three baby rats all grew up. But in growing up, they learned to hang on to everything. In fact, the youngest rat, the girl rat has all of her toys from when she was a baby rat. She goes through her closet thinking she's going to get rid of clothes, only to put all of them back into her closet, because she never knows when she's going to use them again. She keeps things she hasn't used in years, but has lugged back and forth between her two homes for five years now, thinking, "what if I need it?" when she hasn't needed it at all.

This baby rat, that's all grown up, thinks about when she's out on her own without her momma rat. She thinks about where she'll be living and what she'll actually need to hang onto. She even thinks that maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to get rid of some of the things she has packed away for a rainy day.

My Painter

2011-01-17T20:52:00.002-07:00

I was listening to the radio yesterday, and there was a song, about how a portrait becomes perfect if the painter is near.... or something along those lines.

It got me thinking about having our Savior nearby us at all times. I've noticed the closer I feel to my Savior, the more perfection I feel. I know I am not perfect. In fact I kinda hate the word, and any words in association with that word. However, I do feel that when I am closer to my Savior, I feel more like my Savior.

When I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel as if my portrait is beautiful to more than just me or those who know me. My portrait is beautiful or "near perfect" to those who don't know me.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it really struck me that I need to strive to do better to keep my Savior close by me at all times.

A Dollar A Day

2011-01-10T19:32:00.001-07:00

So I was reading a blog a while back. A friend of an acquaintance if you will.

Anyway, she talked about how she only spends a dollar for every day/use of an item.

I really like this. It helps me put into perspective how much I'm paying for something. Not that I've ever had a hard time, because I don't stop in a store until I hit the clearance rack anyway, but I really like this idea.

I think sometimes I overspend. Whatever the case may be. Probably mostly clothes and shoes (although lately, I feel that I'm paying a good deal of $$$$$$$ on food, which is kind of depressing to think about.) So when I read her reasoning, I kind of agreed.

So I have a new philosophy of spending. I have to look at the cost, and then decide if I will use that item as much as I'm spending.

I think, sadly, this will be easy for me for clothing. I spend $20 I wear it 20 times, I think I can do that. But it'll be the bigger ticket items to come up in my life fairly soon (furniture and electronics and whatever else comes with moving into an apartment and living on your own.) I'm going to have to start reasoning out couches and tvs and tables to see if they're really worth my hard earned teacher's salary to pay for.

It has already put my thinking into perspective.

Story. I was looking at movies with my roommate (not for me, but she wanted to look at them, because anyone who knows me KNOWS I only buy movies the day after Thanksgiving. Bargain.) Anyway, I was looking at these movies that are 15-30 dollars, and thinking there's no way people ACTUALLY watch those movies 15+ times. I thought about my own movie collection and wondered about how many times I watch my movies. Of course, for my brother he gets more than his money's worth on a few movies, such as Bolt and Monsters, INC. because my niece and nephew LOVE those 2 movies and will sit and watch them as long as they're playing.

I just did a visual count of the movies I have here with me at college and it's somewhere around 80 movies, unless I counted wrong. That's crazy! Good thing I only spend $2 on most of them huh? (minus a few of them that were gifts such as my Harry Potter collection and Disney movies) But even still, if all of those movies were only $2 (they're not, some were much more than that) that's still $160. That's a lot of money on something you can't do a lot with, really. It's entertainment, sure. But you can't really do anything productive with them.

Just some (expensive) food for thought.

A lot of Nothing

2011-01-09T19:27:00.002-07:00

I feel like I have so much to say, so much is floating around in my head, but I'm having trouble formulating it and actually figuring out a way to include my thoughts here.

I stink lately at this whole blog thing. I stink lately at a lot of things. I stink at trying to figure stuff out.

I'm going to make an effort to be better. To be better about blogging with more style and finesse, and pizazz. To be better about really relating my true interworkings and musings.

I feel like even if you don't care about what I'm saying, I do. I have to keep telling myself this. I care about my thoughts, and I need to get them down.

Hopefully my blogging will come alive this 2011.

New Zealand

2010-12-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned it quite a bit on here now, but I am going to New Zealand to student teach.

10 weeks from today actually, I will be boarding a plane to head to a land close to down under. (I would say down under, but calling a Kiwi [new zealander] an Australian is the biggest insult EVER).

I'm really excited, and I'm really happy I went ahead and went through with my decision to go down there. It's completely out of my comfort zone and something completely unexpected for me to do.

I had decided not to go. For about a week or so in September. I just decided I couldn't afford it, and that it really was a long time in another country, etc.

But when I was talking to my good friend Ryan on a date we embarked upon to get yummy Aggie Ice Cream, I realized I needed to go.

I realized I would regret not going for the rest of my life. My mom always talks about all the things she regrets. I hardly ever hear her talk about the things she's proud of, and happy she did do. Which made me realized that in 1o or 20 or even 2 years, I didn't want to be my mom, talking about all the things I could have done, and how I could have gone to New Zealand and I could have done this or that, but didn't.

So I took a proactive approach to the situation. I decided I was going to go. I filled out the study abroad application, paid the $100 bucks (for the application) and applied for my passport, all within 24 hours.

The trip is about $5000, and I didn't work as much this summer, so again I decided it was worth it to go into educational debt to go to New Zealand. I had zero debt at the beggining of the school year, and decided it wasn't horrible to go into debt for NZ. So I applied for student loans.

Now I'm going. I keep having emotional roller coasters regarding this decision and the advice I keep getting about luggage and money and whatever else. But I'm glad I'm going. I'm glad I don't regret applying, and I know I won't regret going, (once I get there).

PS- If any of you have any advice as far as money and luggage and etc. let me know! I'm going to be there for about 9 weeks, so that's something to take into consideration.

Western Cheeseburger

2010-12-14T18:30:00.002-07:00

Today after I went to Skyview for observations, I decided to go to good ol' Carl's Jr. because we don't have one anywhere near home, and I'm going home tomorrow.

As I was sitting there, eating my western cheeseburger, I started to get a little sad. I was thinking, which as we know is never a good thing, and my train of thought just never stopped. Let me guide you through my stream of consciousness:
...
I started off by thinking about how I haven't cried at all this semester, not really. I have gotten a little upset, and maybe teared up for a minute or two, but I haven't full blown cried since January or February.
...
Then I started looking at Carl's menu. They offer all sorts of goodies. Then my eyes stumbled upon a chicken sandwhich, a santa fe one I think.
...
This chicken sandwhich made me think of Brent and how he would probably like this sandwhich, which made me think about the one time he brought me food to work when I was in high school I believe ( I was at Famous Footwear, so that narrows the timeline down.) He got a grilled chicken sandwhich from Wendy's and I was thankful, but upset, because it wasn't something I would eat, but something he would eat.
...
So while I was looking at this grilled santa fe chicken sandwhich up on the menu, I started to cry while I was eating my amazing Western Cheeseburger. Not a sob or a wail cry, but tears welled in my eyes and before I knew it they were trickling out.
...
I realized just how much I miss my brother. How much I missed OUT on with my brother. Our childhood wasn't a happy one, quite difficult actually. I sat and wanted to have Brent close to me, to develop our relationship with one another and to continue to bond. But I can't have that.
...
Which made me think of how much simpler life was. Life was a lot easier, (even though it sucked, if that makes sense), and we missed out on so much. I don't have a bond with my brother's the way my roommates do with their siblings, and I don't have a close connection with my family/extended family either. I think about how much I don't have, and it makes my heart hurt. Not in the sense that I'm ungrateful etc., but so often I think about how nice it would have been to have this great support system beneath me, supporting me and lifting me up instead of constantly tearing me down.
...
Everyone always tells me it's okay, because I can get that when I get married. But there's no guarantee. There is no guarantee that I will get married, nor if I get married that he comes from a good wonderful family. There's no way for us to know.
...
Which this past thought makes me more upset, because five years ago, if I told you what I would be doing would have been: Well, I'll be married, and finishing up school. Then depending on where he is in school, find a job and help him finish school. Then when we're both done with school I'll start having children.... etc.
...
Now five years later, I'm not married, and in Utah, at my age, being unmarried is not acceptable. In fact, it's frowned upon. I hear it all the time in my institute classes, and in sunday school, etc. It's not entirely my fault I'm not married.
...
Sitting in Carl's Jr. alone, eating a Western Cheeseburger. Only someone like me would be okay with something like that.

Last Day

2010-12-11T09:38:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was my last day attending this lovely university as a student.

(Technically, next semester I am still enrolled as a student, but I will be student teaching so I won't be attending any classes. Which by the way, a $300 fee to do someone else's job??? Really? You're making me PAY that to do someone's job???)

It's kind of a strange feeling. I have been here over the last 4 1/2 years of my life, and so much has changed. I've changed. I definately am ready to be done with classes for a while (until I decide I want a masters.... :S), but at the same time, there are so many memories made on this campus.

Sometimes I don't feel quite ready to turn this chapter in my life, but I know once I get going, I'll be just fine.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm really Thankful this year for so many things. I just wanted to let you know that.

Here are a few of the things I am thankful for this year:
- The opportunity I have to Student Teach in New Zealand
- The relationships I've been able to build with my family members
- The fact I'm FINALLY graduating in May
- I've gotten my desired graduating GPA I wanted
- I have the opportunity to spend an entire week with my Tobin and Namara
- My loving Heavenly Father's arms that are so warm and inviting
- The repentance process
- Old friends (who I get to meet up with every few months and debrief over ice cream)
- New Friends
- New Goals
- Institute
- Sewing/Crafts/Projects that make me feel better about myself and my abilities

I think I could go on and on, but for now this is what I will be thankful for this year.

Literacy

2010-11-16T22:51:00.002-07:00

I'm currently enrolled in a literacy class right now for school and this semester has been my saving grace. It's the only class I look forward to going to and the only class I truly enjoy. Maybe because I love reading and writing, maybe because my professor is A-Mazing, or maybe because I think it's often a forgotten art.

Anywho, in this class we talk about what is literacy. It's what I'm doing right now. It's making lists, writing e-mails, reading blogs. I write at least a list a day, not always a productive list, but a list none the less.

Currently I have a list for things [assignments for school :( ] to get done before I leave on Friday.

Maybe, just maybe I'll get everything done on my list, and put my literacy skills to good use.

Procrastinating

2010-11-02T14:57:00.002-06:00

I never used to be so bad at procrastinating. Sure, we all do it in some form or other, but here I am thinking to myself, holy smokes! it's already November!

And instead of doing my homework that is due tonight and tomorrow, I've decided to post on my blog instead.

I will officially be done with my time on campus December 10th. Ever! I mean EVER!

It's a very strange feeling knowing that I will be done with my schooling for a while. In fact, it's strange that my family keeps asking me about graduation, what day, what time, etc. Crazy huh. I am going to start my student teaching, and my task of finding a "real" job in a matter of weeks. Literally. In 2 months tomorrow, on January 3rd, I start student teaching.

Then, on February 23rd, I take flight to New Zealand, and start teaching there on February 28th. I'm excited and nervous and excited. It's a really bizzarre feeling.

For those of you who are wondering, because I know you are because I'm asked constantly what I'm going to do when I graduate, this is my current plan.

I'm going to start applying for jobs in early January, probably around the same time I start student teaching. I have a few places that I'm interested in applying, though I don't think it fair for me to be too picky.... I am looking into DOD teaching, which is military teaching in other countries. I'm also looking into the Colorado Springs area, or Montana, or Wyoming...

Really, what I'm telling you is I have no idea. I know that I just want to get a job.

Well now that this post has been more of an I don't know what my future holds post, instead of the intended procrastination post, I hope you enjoyed. I'll try to keep you a little more updated.

Just so you know...

2010-10-10T20:04:00.002-06:00

I will be going here very soon...

That's right folks. I've decided to go to Hamilton New Zealand to student teach. I will be leaving the states around March. What did you think I was going to say?

My True Love....

2010-10-07T11:56:00.009-06:00

Turns 3 Today!!!!!!

Just Hours old...

A few Days old...

Tiffany's First visit....

Tobin's first Thanksgiving

Tobin's First Birthday

Tobin's Second Birthday

My man now.

It's crazy for me to see just how big he's gotten!

Guilty

2010-09-16T20:11:00.002-06:00

When I'm scared of someone hurting me, I push them away.

I kind of knew I did this, but last night, I caught myself in the act.

I won't tell you the details, but I was afraid of a friend hurting me down the road (soonish), and I started being sarcastic/mean. Saying things that were hurtful. It's what I do.

I don't usually realize this is what I do until later on down the road, but last night as I was saying something that I wanted to sting my friends ego, I realized that I was pushing him away. I don't want him to hurt me, so I'm hurting him before he gets the chance to hurt me.

This is a self-defense mechanism I learned as a small girl, and I thought it had gotten better, but apparently not.

Now you're probably asking, now Tiffany, why on earth are you posting this?

I'll tell you. Writing it down it because truth, and not just a thought in my head. And because it's truth, I can't deny it. And if I can't deny it, I might as well work on this. Because in all honesty, I don't want to lose his friendship, almost just as bad as I don't want him to hurt me.

Tobin's Daddy

2010-09-04T15:31:00.004-06:00

This is my brother Kale.

Kale and I have never gotten along. Ever.

We were O.K. after he moved out and got married, but we've never been close.

This summer, Kale and I have bonded.

I spent a lot of my weekends driving 5 1/2 hours one way to spend with Kale and the babies, becuase his wife left them.

I bonded with the kiddos, and with my brother. I was there for him in a capacity I have never been before. I think a lot of it is because Brent is in Germany, and often hard to have a conversation with because of the time difference.

Kale calls me now when he's having a hard day. He appreciates what I do for him and his children.

I spent my last weekend before I had to come back to school with him. During this visit he told me how much he appreciated my sacrifice. He also told me something that I thought was kind of strange.

We were leaving Walmart after doing some much needed grocery shopping. He turned to me and said, "This is going to sound kind of weird, but the next time I get married, I hope she's like you. Things aren't as stressful when you're around, like here at the store. The kids were always running wild and uncontrollable with Valerie, but with you. they're not."

I was extremely flattered my brother would say that about me. But when I told my mom, she asked me a question I never thought of, "would someone like you want to marry someone like Kale?"

My answer? No. Straight up. But I have come to love my brother in a new capacity this summer. I was able to serve him and his family in a very unique and special way.

My heart hurts for Tobin and Namara in a way that I can only imagine a parent feels, and that bond never would have happened, had I not used this summer to serve Tobin's Daddy.

The Girl Staring Back At Me

2010-09-01T22:54:00.003-06:00

Tonight as I got ready for bed I looked in the mirror as I pulled my hair back into a pony, and I saw the most bright, beautiful green eyes, and I knew that I was a beautiful daughter of God. I knew it. There was no question whatsoever.

This hasn't always been the case. For many years, I never could look at pictures of myself without distaste and disgust. I hated looking in the mirror, because I failed to see what I needed to.

Then, about 4 years ago, something happened. I was a freshman here at Utah State. I had the most amazing FHE dad, who could see the beauty that was blocked from my vision, and would express what he saw, to me.

One day, I looked in the mirror, and I saw beauty. For the first time, really, in my life, I saw beauty staring back. I pulled my FHE dad aside, and I told him, "David, guess what? As I was getting ready in the vanity with Lura today, I just stopped and stared at myself, and do you know what I said?"

And David replied, "'I'm beautiful.'"

I looked at him with surprise and exclaimed "Yes!" In which immediately following he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Tiffany, you are beautiful! I'm going to tell you that everyday!"

That is one of my best memories, a good coming of age story if you will.

Anyway, that girl I saw 4 years ago, was the girl I saw tonight. There was a year or two in between then and now that I didn't see her, but I do now.

I see her all the time, in fact. Even with no makeup on my face and my hair pulled back, I see her.

And I like the Girl staring back at me.

When You Just Don't Know Anymore...

2010-08-31T14:07:00.002-06:00

You turn it over to the Lord.

I know this is kind of cliche, but it's true.

I used to have such a hard time doing this, like really hard, and sometimes I still do.

But this week has been tough-ish.

I moved back to Logan from Colorado, and nothing has felt quite right. I'm stressed out, but I'm not stressed out. I'm nervous, but I'm not nervous.

I have so much going on right now, and my summer dissappeared before my eyes that being in school has been hard this year, and I've only gone 1 day!!!

But I just don't know what to do anymore.

Which is why I'm handing everything over.

Traitor

2010-05-25T15:12:00.003-06:00

I have been in Colorado Springs since Sunday afternoon.

My brother called me on Saturday extremely upset. His wife left him and the kids in mid-March. She still comes and sees the kids, but only when it's convenient for her.

Anyway, on Saturday, she was vile, and said unnecessary things to him, and also told him she wanted a divorce. She also was a little too honest with what she's been doing the last few months.

On Saturday when he called, he kept saying "I just wish I had someone here" and "I want someone to talk to" etc. So I told him that if he wanted me to, I would come up. I don't start work until Tuesday the 1st, so I had a week I could spend.

I was under the impression that the kids had more interaction with their mom. Apparently not.

I spent the whole day yesterday with them. Their mom came, and Tobin started freaking out. I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye. He said no. I asked if he wanted to go with his mommy. he said no. Shaking his head and grabbing my arm. I felt helpless.

Yesterday, the kids didn't leave with their mom. She stayed here for a few hours and then left. Tobin clung to me the rest of the day. He even came with me to the store, which he never does. I asked if he wanted to go bye-bye, and he said no. I said okay, and started for the door. He saw me leaving and said "wait for me". To say the least I was surprised. Tobin has never been much of a "people person".

He came with me and was a good boy the whole time.

So today, I thought he would be better about going with his mom. He was worse. I felt like such a traitor when I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye, and got his shoes on him, and then when outside. He went running to my car and opened his door to get into his seat. I wanted to start crying.

His mom didn't understand. I could say a few things about her right now, but I'll refrain. Let's just say I've never liked her, since the first time Kale brought her home to meet us. I explained that his car seat was in my car. She said "I have my own car seat for him."

I said I know, but his seat is in my car, cause we went to the store yesterday. Then I took Tobin by the hand and led him to his mom's car. He started screaming. He gave me a look of despair. I really didn't want to do that to him. Not at all. I felt like such a traitor. He kept telling me he didn't want to go with his mom and I forced him into a car he didn't want to be in.

It's a hard position to be in. Knowing that a child doesn't want to go with his mom, but not able to do anything about it because I'm just the aunt, not the mom.

I wanted to cry. Especially when he put his hand against the window and said "please, no".

I hope tonight when he gets home from being with his mom, he won't be mad at me.

Relocation

2010-05-19T13:24:00.004-06:00

Well, today my brother relocates his family to Germany.

Kind of a sad day.

Things got better after my last post, I think it was a combination of getting the stomach flu that week on Sunday night and having it until Tuesday or so, and not feeling well. I usually am over-sensitive when I don't feel good.

I'm kind of sad about my brother's move.

I mean, it's not like we were super close and spent all the holidays together or anything. In fact, I'll probably see him just as much or more than I did when he lived in the states, but moving out of the country just seems so much worse. I don't know if that's the right word, but you catch my drift I'm sure.

I'm happy for Brent and his family, and I think this is a great opportunity for them. I'm just sad for me.

I spent 2 blissful weeks with my niece Emma, and it was good medicine. She is such a character and I love her so much.

Also, it's the most time Brent and I have spent together since he first got home from his mission. Also good medicine.

Right before he left he asked me if it was going to be awkward.

I asked what?

He said, when you get married and pregnant, is it going to be awkward?

I said, No more awkward than you talking about Patty's boobs. (My sister in law, Patricia is breast feeding my other niece Lilly.)

It's weird to think, in four years, I likely could be married, and I likely could have children and/or be pregnant. My poor brother, has to see his baby-sister get old and grown up.

This is me and Brent at the airport right before they left. That's a good story I'll tell another day. It's not the best one of me, but it's the only one he's looking at the camera. Stinker.

Home

2010-05-05T13:50:00.002-06:00

I'm home.

I'm trying not to be sad about it.

It's weird really. I couldn't WAIT to get out of Logan, leave my crappy job of little ol' Sam's Club, and now I just want to go back. Bad.

I don't know why I can never wait to get back here, to Durango.

There isn't anything here for me any more.

The few friends I had are no longer here, and I... just don't know.

I wish life were easy. To be honest, though I never would have admitted it back then, when I graduated high school, I thought I would be married in a year, two tops. Now four years later, I'm still not married, and have no prospects, though I'm okay with that.

I just wish it were easier to come home.

I love being home, but it just isn't the same it used to be.

My brothers both have babies and wives and those are much more interesting than Tiffany, even to my mom.

She even talked about taking "generation" pictures with my grandpa, and I could take them, because I didn't need to be in them. I know she meant no malice by her comment, but it just stung a little.

Brent is home, and I almost wish he wasn't. All I ever talk about it Brent, and how much I love him, etc. etc. but everytime we're together, it's just pure disappointment. My space is invaded, my sleep interrupted, and my routines changed. I know it's not due primarily to him but it's still frustrating, especially when he doesn't even talk to me.

I think I'm just tired, and frustrated. Maybe after I get out of the house, and start working, things will get better.

I sure as heck hope so.

Listings

2010-04-26T11:07:00.004-06:00

For some reason, I don't get anything done without a list. I think it helps me stay a little more focused on what I want to accomplish.

The current lists generating:

-Packing/Cleaning
-Summer Fun
-New Zealand Prep
-No Regrets Logan

I would indulge you in my packing/cleaning list, but that's pretty self-explanatory.

But my summer fun list I will let you have a peek into:

-Go to Moab
-Have a picnic
-Fly Kites
-Go Fishing
-Go to Canyonlands
-Go to Mesa Verde
-Work Out 4x / week - Ultimate Goal: Lose 35 lbs by September 1st.
-Bowling League: Bowl 200+ games 3x this summer
-Finish 3 sewing projects
-Finish 15 books
-Grow a Garden
-Thoroughly Clean the house - My room, the shed, the boys room. We're going to go through everything, pack stuff up that isn't being used but that we want to hang onto, and get rid of everything else.
-Paint the livingroom

Start Living

2010-04-17T10:24:00.000-06:00

That's the next thing on my list.

There's a Toby Keith song that keeps playing in my head.

It starts:

Under an old brass paper weight, is my list of things to do today.
Go to the bank and the hardware store, put a new lock on the cellar door.
I cross 'em off as I get 'em done, but when the sun is settin'
There's still more I than a few things I haven't got to yet.
Go for a walk, say a little prayer, take a deep breath of mountain air,
Put on my glove, and play some catch, it's time that I make time for that.
Wade the shore, cast a line, look up an old lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch, and give my girl a kiss,
Start living; that's the next thing on my list.
Wouldn't change the course of fate, if cuttin' the grass just had to wait,
'Cause I got more important things, like pushing my kid on a backyard swing.
I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave,
So why put off for tomorrow, what I could get done today.
Like, Go for a walk, say a little prayer, take a deep breath of mountain air,
Put on my glove, and play some catch, it's time that I make time for that.
Wade the shore, cast a line, look up an old lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch, and give my girl a kiss,
Start living; that's the next thing on my list.
Raise a little hell, laugh 'til it hurts, put an extra five in the plate at church
Call my folks just to chat, it's time I make time for that.
Stay up late, and oversleep, show her what she means to me,
Catch up on all the things I've always missed, just start living.
That's the next thing on my list.

I love this song.

I realized, after I posted about regrets, this song really comes into play. There are so many things I don't want to look back on and say "I wish I had..." or "what if..."

So this song, will become my theme song, until I find another one.

There are so many little things about living our lives, that I think often we forget the importance.

I live in Logan, Utah, and I don't want to have to say I never have experienced it. I've been here for 4 years, and I think it's time I start living.

What do you think?

What I deserve

2010-04-16T22:33:00.002-06:00

I went on a date tonight.

I went with my Tat, whom I love and adore.

Well, we always have good, deep conversations when we're together.

Tonight we talked about a lot of things, but one of the things we talked about is what I deserve.

We were talking about marriage, and what my FEC is going to be like.
We discussed what qualities my man will have, and how he will treat me like the most precious possession he has ever been entrusted with. When he talks about me, he will only have good things to say, and will only speak kind, loving words to me.
We talked about how his love for his Savior will be his best quality, and that love will be the center of our home.

It was strange as I spoke with Tat about this, how I never thought I deserved any of this. I never saw for myself anything that Tat said I deserved. And then I realized that he's right,

I deserve the VERY best.

Thinking

2010-04-14T13:47:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking a lot.

Just about an array of topics.

I have been asked out 3 times in the last 2 weeks. This is not normal behavior for boys around Tiffany. This has brought on a lot of activity in my mind.
Kale and Valerie are having serious problems. This makes my heart hurt.
School. I'm almost done. What am I going to do with my life in a year from now?
New Zealand. I have an opportunity to Student Teach there next year. Excited!
Brent, Lilly, Emma, Patricia. I get to spend a little over a week with them before they move to Germany for several years.
Money. I need it. I don't have it. School. Paying.
Logan. How little I've come to really appreciate this amazing place I have spent the last 4 years of my life.
Brother Krogue. My institute teacher. Truly inspiring. Love him and what he teaches me every day.

Anyway, lots on my mind as of late. It got me thinking, (imagine that). All of these topics ALL, and I mean ALL tie back to one thing. And one thing only:

Regrets. The ones I have, the ones I don't want to have.

I realize that I don't want to live my life with regret. I don't want to do anything that would cause me to feel this HORRIBLE emotion. Ever. I've felt enough of it, that I don't want to feel it anymore.

Therefore, I've deemed my last year at Utah State as my "No Regrets" year. I've realized there's so much I want to do and see that I've neglected for 4 years. I'm in the process of creating a list of the things I really want to do next year so I don't leave Logan ever thinking "I wish I had...." or "if only...."

These are two phrases I am going to slowly remove from my vocabulary and in so doing, I hope to fill my life with joy and a deeper understanding.

On Dating and Being Dated

2010-04-06T14:02:00.000-06:00

This subject is one of constant frustration for me. The ultimate purpose for dating is marriage. End of story.

Now I could just leave it at that. But for your sake I won't.

I never dated in high school. Nope, not one single date. Yes, I went to my senior prom with Shay Beck, but I paid for everything, and prom does not count as dating.

I thought college would somehow transform how boys saw me, and they'd be lining up at my door to sweep me off my feet. Well, I went on 4 total dates my freshman year. 2 I asked, and paid for everything, so again, I don't count those for this topic (I'll get to that in just a minute, maybe tomorrow.)

To make things simple, I don't date. I've given up on asking, and I don't get asked. That's the story.

I was asked on a date the other night. Completely out of the blue. I work with him, and I never thought of him as "dating material".

This event made me ponder what I consider "dating material". I think I always imagined myself with some handsome, voiced, outgoing, talented man.

The boy from work isn't necessarily these things. He's as nice as can be, but awkward, balding, shy.

I realized how horrible I am. I never once stopped to consider his character. What his true personality is (you can only gauge that so much through work). And I realized that I am not one to judge, any of that.

In all honesty, I should just be grateful that a boy even asked me out. Really. Not that I'm turned off by his appearance, I'm not, he's a cute awkward boy, but I realized what I was looking for in a husband wasn't the right qualities. I was looking for the superficial attributes that won't help me grow as a strong daughter of God.

Now, I don't know what we're going to do on said date I've been asked on. I don't even really know this gentleman very well, but I can say this: I don't know anything about my FEC. I don't know what he looks like, what his profession is, or when we'll meet. I do know however, I have to keep an open mind. I'd rather be loved and adored by someone who may not be "model material" (stupid Tiffany), than be nothing more than arm candy for a man who is.

Happy Happy Easter

2010-04-04T05:32:00.000-06:00

May I be truly grateful today for the reason I am alive, happy and healthy. For the wonderful miracle that we celebrate on this day of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior.

Easter

2010-03-30T21:59:00.003-06:00

I love Easter. It is my favorite Holiday. Favorite. Ever.

I have loved Easter since I was a little girl. Always.

More than Christmas, more than my birthday. Easter was always a happy time in my life.

College is especially hard this time of year. (College is hard in general, for many reasons). But right now is when I wish I were at home.

I want to be filling plastic eggs with candy.

I want to be hard-boiling eggs and dying my fingers bright colors as I try to create the masterpiece egg.

I want to be preparing Easter dinner, by buying all the necessities.

I want my mom and my brothers.

I really am not sure why Easter is my favorite...

Sometimes I attribute it to Springtime

Sometimes I attribute it to a "less intensive" or "less stressful" holiday-- not as much about gifting and feeding, just happiness and being together.

Sometimes I attribute it to bright colors and tasty candy (I swear to goodness Easter M&Ms, the pastel ones, taste SOOO much better than regular ones. No lie.)

I know the real meaning of Easter is the rising of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that without Him my life would have no meaning whatsoever. I know that with my Savior everything is possible. I also know how extremely blessed and grateful I am to have that knowledge in my life.

With Him, things make sense.
With Him, things hurt less.
With Him, miracles happen.

Whatever the reason, I love my Savior, I love His sacrafice for me, and I love the Holiday we have to celebrate His life he lived and died for each and every individual who has ever walked the earth.

Easter is something worth celebrating.

Happy

2010-03-24T10:26:00.005-06:00

The last week or two just haven't been going very well for me lately. I'm not really sure why either. I think it's just the lasting winter and being a senior in college who isn't graduating. Stressing about money and life.

Anyway, I had kind of a crummy day yesterday. I was slightly maltreated by a friend, and not a lot hurt, but kind of.

So I was exhausted and tired, and climbed into bed to read my scriptures before I zonked out.

In my scripture journal, I wrote a little over 2 full pages (it's a small journal, but typically I write a little less than half a page), and while I was reading I etched this on the top of the page:

I'm so happy with who I am right now.

So even though I'm kind of bummed out (yes, still. I don't know what's wrong with me!) I'm still happy with my life.

Not Much

2010-03-18T11:33:00.003-06:00

there isn't a lot going on in my life right now to report on.

The few things that are happening:

I'm on Spring Break, which has entirely gone by way too fast.

I went home for a few days, and really want to go home again.

I'm worried about whether or not I'm going to find a job this summer.

I'm worried about paying for school next year.

I'm tired a lot... My thyroid is acting up again.

That's about all I have to say right now... maybe when my life regains normalcy (HA!) I'll have something more to write about.

But for now, I need to go figure out how to change a tail light.

wish me luck!

Bad Day

2010-03-07T20:30:00.003-07:00

I just had a bad day today. Today was supposed to be my one good day I had this week, and it wasn't. I'm miserable and tired. I'm going to bed in hopes that tomorrow will be a better day.

I Just Haven't Met Him

2010-03-05T09:42:00.007-07:00

I love this song by Michael. I heard it a few weeks ago, and instantly fell in LOVE.

Listening to this song makes me content. It gives me hope and it makes me not worry about the unknown and the fact that everyone around me is getting married, EXCEPT me.

I'm okay. I'm waiting for the right one, and I just haven't met him yet.

March Goals

2010-02-28T16:39:00.002-07:00

I realized today as I sat down to write my goals out for this month, there were quite a few from last month I didn't accomplish.

But that's okay. As Elder Hales says: Every day is a chance for a New Year's Resolution.

Here are New Resolutions, as I strive to be better.

Read Scriptures Daily
Pray on Knees
Pray in the Morning
Continue writing in Journal
Keep room/desk clean
Read March Ensign
Attend Aerobics/Work Out
Finish ALL homework
Give at least 1 sincere compliment a day
Be generous
Live my life as if Christ was standing next to me.

A Few things to add

2010-02-22T22:18:00.002-07:00

I was thinking of my summer list of fun and remembered a few more things this summer is going to consist of:

-A garden (I've always wanted one, but have always been too busy to have one)
-A puzzle a month - Mom and I love puzzles, and we both got one for Christmas, but they are undone, so we are going to work on a puzzle a month.
-Yardwork - I'm actually pretty excited about this one. I just want to help my mom out, and weeding out the yard and redoing the sidewalk are just a few of the many things to be accomplished this summer.

Decisions and Summer Plans

2010-02-21T21:08:00.004-07:00

I have been having a rough few weeks. Only because I'm trying to figure out what I want to do this summer. I have been really hesitant to go home because my boyfriend of 2 summers and I broke up and we won't be doing anything together.

I also would love to spend a summer in Logan, just once.

I am up for a promotion at work. I'll find out on Wednesday who they chose.

For a while, I wanted it to be me.

But today at church I received a "revelation" of sorts.

I was sitting in my seat, listening to the lesson, (I think) and a image of my mom and me and my doggies were out in the summer sun, fishing.

I got my answer. I've been asking Heavenly Father for a while, what I should do, what I need to do, and I got my answer.

I'm going home.

I'm going to spend time with my mom. I'm not going to work my little tushie off, and I know Heavenly Father will provide accordingly.

This will be my summer:
I'm going to work M-F and be done by 6pm at the latest. No weekends, no closings.

Mom and I are going to do leagues (bowling), our team name: The lucky ducks. :D
Mom and I will spend our weekends going hiking, fishing, and who knows what else
Mom and I are going to go to the rec center and work out and go to aerobics
Mom and I are going to the park to fly kites at LEAST once a month
Mom and I are going to enjoy a Netflix's subscription
I'm going to enjoy myself
I'm going to find myself
I'm going to have FUN

go fly a kite

2010-02-20T22:47:00.002-07:00

I'm super-duper excited.

I bought a kite today.

I can't wait to use it.

Snow, you can melt now. I heard the birds singing yesterday morning, which means it's spring, which means it's time for you to go away, and which also means it's time for me to go fly a kite!

Sad

2010-02-14T20:53:00.006-07:00

I've learned sometimes it's okay to be sad.

Sometimes it's good to have a long cry.

Tonight is one of those nights.

"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal... If you have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out...

There is great purpose in our struggle in life."

-Boyd K Packer

Cute

2010-02-13T20:39:00.001-07:00

So, as I've mentioned, I work at Sam's Club.

With the approaching holiday, I saw numerous flower boquets coming through my line today.

There was a gentleman who came through my line with 3 boquets.

My coworker engaged in conversation, as I continued to ring him up.

He explained that he had a wife, whom he loved dearly, a daughter, and a daughter-in-law, all derserving of a beautiful arrangement.

How cute is that? His love extends beyond, as should all of our love.

Our love should always extend beyond.

Patience & Waiting

2010-02-11T10:46:00.004-07:00

Interesting topic, eh?

I was thinking about it today while I skinned my mango.

Weird, huh?

Well, I work at Sam's Club, and therefore I sometimes have the urge to buy in bulk, like mangos.

The other day I bought a box of 6 mangos. I had felt them, and I tested their durability; normal things when picking out mangos. I was so excited for mangos that I brought them home and decided to cut one that night.

The mangos were not ripe, and I had no patience; I wanted a sweet delicious mango right then, but what I tasted was not the deliciousness I had imagined. I ended up eating only half of the green and bland mango, throwing the rest away before cutting up a new one today.

As I skinned the new mango just now, I could tell a difference right away. I had left this one in a place to ripen, and ripen it did. My fingers and knife dripped with juice, as I peeled and sliced this tropic fruit.

I realized that my waiting ability lacks in many aspects of my life. So often I want the juicy deliciousness I know will come, without the waiting. So now, I wait. Though I want to peel back the skin, I must realize that the fruit is not ready.

What on earth can I be comparing this to, right?

I think a lot of things. This has many applications to my life.

One: marriage. I want to be married now. I want to start my family now. But I'm not ready yet. MY fruit isn't sweet enough yet.

Two: School. So badly I want to just say I'm done. I've put in my time. But there is still knowledge to be learned.

Three: The Gospel. Fruit is a recurring motif throughout the scriptures. I read last night in 1 Nephi, with Lehi's dream of the tree of life. The fruit they partook was the sweetest above all others. Today my mango was the sweetest above all others that I can remember. So the gospel, too in the same way is similar. For two years I abstained from church. Now that I'm making the return back I again can partake of that sweet fruit to fill my life with the goodness of God.

Strange how something as simple as a mango can be so powerful.

So now, I wait, for the fruit to ripen.

Thoughts

2010-02-04T14:25:00.003-07:00

Today, I was thinking. I was thinking about an abundance of things, but we won't go into detail about that.

I had a thought of my brother come into my head. He and I have never gotten along much, especially as children. Now, for the most part, we're okay.

I was thinking about how I never imagined for even a glimmer of a moment Kale being a father. I couldn't fathom it.

As a young teenager, I had it all planned out in my head: Brent would be the first to be married, close to the time he returned from his mission. I would be next, married after my first year of college, and Kale would be last, lucky if he ever found someone who could put up with him.

As a college student, my thoughts have changed.

Kale was married after my first year of college, and Brent was married shortly into my second. Kale also had a baby shortly before Brent's wedding. Brent had a baby 10 months later. Kale had a baby 7 months later. Brent had another baby 10 months later. So if all this didn't confuse you, we are now in the present day.

I thought back to when I was young and Kale was mean. When he used to lose his temper and hit me, and how I cowered. It got scary, especially the older he got.

I never imagined for a moment Kale would ever be a father. Brent, sure, that was a given. But Kale. Never.

When Kale and Valerie had Tobin they were happy. Tobin wasn't the best baby, but he was managable. Things were good. Kale loved that little boy, and was good to that little boy, better than I've ever seen. Kale genuinely cared for his family.

When Namara was born, there was stress put on the family. Kale had been graduated for about 3 1/2 months and still was unable to find a job. They had relocated to Colorado Springs, and things were tight. Namara was fussy, and Tobin still unable to communicate (he being only 1 1/2 at the time) and Kale and Valerie started having serious problems.

They fought. They almost broke up 3 times, that I know of.

My heart ached for my niece and nephew. Kale and I didn't come from great circumstances, and we both had to deal with it in our own ways. I didn't want to see the heartache I was feeling come into the lives of my babies. They are so innocent, so blinded from heartache, that I felt it for them; I cried for them.

Today, I read my brother is again, in search of a new job. I pray that his family won't fall apart. The family he wonders whether or not was worth it. The family that has brought so many memories to my life.

I hope that Kale can start being a better Dad again when he finds work. I pray that God blesses him in his search, that he won't have to turn to military means where he leaves his family behind.

Healthy

2010-02-03T22:54:00.006-07:00

Last year I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.

Last year around this time I was so lethargic and tired that I could barely muster myself out of bed to go to class. It was a chore. I had a difficult time, and I just thought it was stresses of life.

Last year, I was planning on going to Pennsylvania for summer work. It was through this job they found the malfunctioning thyroid.

The symptoms were abundant, I was just oblivious. My hair hadn't grown in a long time, and had lost all of its color turning a mouse-y gray. My skin was dry, I gained 20 lbs in a month while in an aerobics class, and my eyebrows would all come out at simple tug.

None of these symptoms really screamed "Something's Wrong!" (except the aerobics and gaining weight) so until my doctor pointed them out, I was clueless.

Well, turns out the cancer was benign, so I didn't need to have it removed unless it started to grow.

I cut my hair and dyed it. I figured I might as well, seein's how it was so unhealthy anyway. I started taking a thyroid supplement, and my body is energized and alert.

This picture was right after I cut it, the night we dyed it. You can see the lack of color and healthiness.

Now, almost a year after all of these incidents, I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at my eyebrows, and for the first time in over a year, realized how badly they needed plucking. My roommate and I were just taking pictures for fun, and I saw how shiny and long my hair has gotten, even after cutting it since the short cut it was a few (11) months ago.

This is a picture from tonight. My hair has been cut/trimmed 5 times since the previous picture. Also notice, my hair is curled in this picture.

You can see the difference in these two pictures. Not just in the hair, but in my face. My face is thinner now than it was then, and my eyes are less tired and worn-out looking. My eyebrows are also much thicker, even after I plucked them out for close to an hour tonight.

PS- the fact that I'm making the exact same face is merely a coincidence... I think that's just my camera face.

February Goals

2010-01-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've done fairly well with my Resolutions/January Goals, but I still need to work on them. Here's what I'm going to be focusing on this month:

- Reading my scriptures daily
- Attend at least 1 aerobics class a week (it's been rough, between working and school and more working.)
- Pray Daily
- Write in journal regularly
- Have fun
- Keep room and desk clear
- Finish all homework (I don't care when, as long as it's before class starts)
- Do laundry more regularly (So I don't have to skip class and do 6 loads at the same time)
- Read February Ensign
- Read at least one talk from Conference Ensign a week

I think these are pretty good. Pretty reasonable. They're stemming from my Resolutions, but things I need to continue working on. Some have been slightly modified, and that's okay. I'm okay with it.

Official

2010-01-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

I just had to share a few things. One, I really liked how this "teacher outfit" pulled together. I really felt like I fit the part, and really liked how I looked.

Second, this is the lovely badge I get to wear every day I'm in the highschool. Lovely, isn't it?

Third, I'm not so scared any more. I was so worried about the abundance of knowledge my students were going to have, and how stupid I was going to look in front of them, but I'm not any more. I was able to interact with them, and they're really not all that bad after all.

Because That means it's okay

2010-01-25T22:11:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to relate to you a conversation I had with my mom the other night.

Me: Hey, I bought you a sweater on clearance at work today.

Mom: Oh, how ugly is it?

Me: I think it's cute... I bought one for me, for my professional wardrobe, just in a different color.

Mom: Oh, well then, that means it's okay.

I just thought this was cute. As long as I bought one for myself, then it's cute.

Outfits

2010-01-23T22:58:00.005-07:00

Ever since I was little, I've needed a new outfit for a special occasion. I don't know if this is something I came up with on my own, or if it was encouraged by mother, and then has stuck with me, either way, I've always needed a new outfit to signify a momentous aspect of my life.

Last year, it was a Christmas party.

A few years ago, it was a date with a specific boy.

Before that it was dances.

Before that it was the first day of school.

Whatever the occasion, I've always felt the need to have a new outfit. Gives me confidence, or something.

So here is my new outfit for Tuesday.

What is tuesday you ask? Well, Tuesday is my first day interacting in the high school with students. We have to dress professionally, so I had to have something to wear, (not to mention new shoes. :D)

He’ll Carry Me!

2010-01-14T22:50:00.002-07:00

He knows your heart, He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn’t face another day he understood
He knows the path when you walk blind
Though you felt alone He’s never left your side

He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step, and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He’ll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night He’ll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

And in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

These are the beautiful lyrics to a song by Hilary Weeks called “He Will Carry You”

Scared

2010-01-08T15:24:00.002-07:00

I would be lying to you if I didn’t admit one carnal fear that I hold:

I’m scared that I will never find any one and will live a life alone.

It’s a silly fear, I’ll admit, but a valid one. What if I never find anyone? I’ve only dated one man in my entire life, and we all know that ended poorly. (Actually you don’t, but unimportant.)

I know my weaknesses consist of an inability to easily make friends, my lack of church attendance for the past year and a half or so, being a “jealous partner” of sorts, and the fear of making a mistake.

Most of you know, or can infer by now, that my parent’s marriage left something to be desired, and I fear that I will end up in a similar situation. I do not want this.

All the while, I have made the commitment to return to church this year, and so far I’ve got 1 of 1. It’s a start.

I’ve also enrolled in Institute this semester, as well as planned out my day and a way to work out 3-5 times a week.

These are all things that will help, I’m sure but the one thing that I have the most surety is the calm reassurance from my Heavenly Father: “Be still, and know that I am God.” He has a plan for me, I just need to listen to Him more carefully to be able to overcome my fear(s) and weaknesses.

Society

2010-01-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

I found this sign when on my drive home to Colorado. So I'm kind of cheating at my "daily photo" but I wanted to share this picture none the less.

When I saw this sign, I was almost in shock. I've encountered MANY people while at Sam's Club who think it's appropriate for them to carry on a conversation on their cell phones and are irritated when I interrupt them for the necessary questions to finish their transactions. But I never found it necessary to post a sign, as this McDonald's has.

I cry for humanity and for the society we have created. We have lost the courtesy to hang up the phone long enough to simply go through a drive through and order food. We keep telling ourselves (speaking as society, and not for myself) that we are more connected because of texting and cell phones, but in reality, we're not. We're more disconnected than we have ever been. We don't have the common courtesy to give 5 minutes of our time to a poor minimum wage working high schooler who doesn't want to be there in the first place.

Too Many Words

2010-01-07T13:28:00.013-07:00

All of my recent posts have just been a lot of me and my “musings” which is of course the purpose of my blog, however, I think it’s nice to also have pictures to go along with the words. So here are a few of my favorites from Christmas.

Also, I may be trying something new that I saw from another blog called “a picture a day”. Documenting my daily life in pictures, sharing a picture from that day. We’ll see. I typically don’t take my camera with me most places, but I may start trying.

Anyway, enjoy these fun pictures from my holiday season:

My cute little Mia, trying to fit into a sock drawer.

Brent trying to get a toga on Emma

Tobin playing cars on Brent’s head.

Tobin giving his favorite Aunt-T hugs. (he’s not particularly cuddly, so when he initiates hugs, I eat them up!)

Little Namara in her new outfit from Aunt-T. Such a cutie!
My favorite picture of my beautiful Namara.

Emma and her daddy. I thought this was so cute.

A special Emma-Aunt-T moment.

Bathtime moment! One of the 2 pictures we have all the babies together.

The only other cousin photo we got. These kiddos won’t be reunited again for 4ish years.

One Day

2010-01-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

One day, I'll be smart and funny and witty...

One day, I'll be confident and proud...

One day, I'll be happy and content...

One day, I'll know the answers to every question...

One day, I'll be amazing and loving and sincere...

One day, I'll be married and happy with children....
One day....

One day.....

One day.....

Until that day though, I need to work towards these things, not just imagine them in some far off future. There needs to be a plan, a list, goals (long-term and short-term). I realized recently that I just want/expect these things to happen in my life, but they aren't going to if I don't do anything. This is my comittment; tune in later for the plan.

2010

2010-01-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

I keep seeing the numbers 2010, and it throws me off every time.

I keep thinking there's some kind of typo, but when I saw on my posts the date ending with those lovely four numbers, I knew there was no mistake.

It really is weird how life plays tricks on you.

It seems like yesterday I was 17 in the good ol' year of 2005. Now I'm 21 in the year 2010.... and in 6 months I'll be 22, where life just goes downhill from there!

Church Impressions

2010-01-03T13:32:00.002-07:00

Today at church was amazing. I think I say that because it's been so long since I've been, due to work and other extenuating circumstances.

Regardless.

These are what I wrote down today:

Brother Holland's talk "Remember Lotts Wife" (I need to find this and read it!) --In order to move forwards we have to leave the past in the past, no matter what it is, or what was done.
The power of Satan is great... The power of Christ is greater
It's so much easier to doubt than to have faith
We don't struggle as much as knowing that Christ existed, but that He existed for us, for you.

It was such a good Sunday! I'm so glad that I told my work that I needed to go to church, and can't come in until after church is done. (So yes, I know, I'm still working Sundays, but I still will be able to attend the entire 3 hour block, and that's what's most important.)

Back to Life

2010-01-03T00:02:00.002-07:00

You ever notice how when you want life to go really, really slowly, is when the earth seems to move the fastest?

Well, that is how the last 2 weeks went for me.

One minute I was pushing pedal to the medal to get home, the next I was procrastinating packing and driving back.

I wish I could say I had a wonderful holiday at home, but that would be a lie.

I had a nice time away from Logan, and I had quality time with my babies, but overall, the holidays were a bust. We didn't have enough time in the day, and we didn't do much of anything.

I guess, one day, I'll look back on this and think how wonderful certain moments were, but right now, I'm wishing I could have a do- over.

Speaking of Do-Over, that is another post for another day, just remind me!

Clarinet

2010-01-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

I used to play the clarinet in high school.

I loved playing the clarinet. It was soothing for me, and I truly enjoyed it. Of course, because Kale is a jerk, he would make me feel like crap when I played, saying I sounded awful.

I used to let stuff like that get to me.

But when I played the clarinet, I used to dream of playing in a symphony, and in concert. After listening to Christmas music this past month, I realized how much I miss my clarinet, and how much I miss playing it.

I think I'm going to start playing again... Maybe I can practice enough to try and be in a local symphony, or the Music in the Mountains in Durango. That would be really neat.

Goals for the NEW Year/January

2010-01-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Some of these goals are a little more short term, while some of them are longer. But either way, they're goals I need to accomplish this year regardless.

1. Make a to-do list for everyday
2. Stick to my to-do list every day
3. Work out 3x a week (m/w/f) because you can!
4. Stick with my institute classes

5. Go to church for the whole 3 hour block

6. Talk to Brent and Patricia at least once every 2 weeks
7. Talk to Kale at least once a month
8. Lose 20 pounds by the end of the semester
9. Develop a hook in my bowling
10. Finish all homework the day it is assigned
11. Go to bed no later that 11:00pm every night
12. Wake up at 6:00am every morning.
13. Keep my room picked up and clean
14. Vacuum my room at least once a week.
15. Enjoy every minute of every day.
16. Be able to run 5 miles continuously again.
17. Bowl a 200+ game at least 3 times this year.
18. Find a waitressing job for the summer
19. Save enough money for fall semester (from Sam's Club)
20. Smile continuously through the tears!

My Favorite Childhood Movie

2009-12-15T23:06:00.001-07:00

I used to love this movie when I was a small child. It's still a favorite though.

My favorite Game

2009-12-14T10:15:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite game to play. No one really wins or looses, but everyone still has a great time playing.

My favorite holiday

2009-12-13T21:43:00.002-07:00

I love Easter. I love Spring. It has always been my favorite holiday, and probably always will.

My Favorite Beverage

2009-12-12T11:09:00.001-07:00

I would be LYING to you, if I didn't admit that this was my beverage of choice.

And NO I will not substitute it for anything! Including Diet, Caffine Free, or that Nasty Mr.Pibb Extra stuff! YUCK!

Which reminds me... maybe I'll go enjoy some delishishness right now.

My favorite Solace

2009-12-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

The picture speaks for itself.

My Favorite Book

2009-12-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

I was introduced to this book when I was in the 7th grade. This book changed my life. I love it. For no reason in particular, other than I aspire to be who I want to be, just like star girl.

I recently purchased it (I've only checked it out of the library 8 times since my first reading), and I encourage all of you to make the same investment.

Also, Jerry Spinelli just wrote a sequel to this book called: Love, Stargirl

I also just bought this book as well, so I'll tell you whether or not it's any good.

Although I bet it is, considering.

My favorite Christmas Song

2009-12-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

My Favorite Temple

2009-12-08T01:41:00.000-07:00

I LoVe the Monticello Temple, immensely. It was the first small temple ever to be built. I went to the dedication, and I shook President Hinkley's hand.

Ever since I was there when this sacred building was dedicated, I have wanted to be married here.

There really has never been an alternative; I am getting married here.

My favorite Pasttime

2009-12-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

Even now, at the age of 21, I still love bubbles. I ask my mom for them every year for every holiday... every holiday that matters anyway (Easter, and my birthday).

And every year, she makes fun of me.

But, as you can see, I don't care! (21st birthday)

My favorite roommate

2009-12-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't have a favorite, but Lura has a special place in my heart. I've had great roommates since, and they all come in very close second, but Lura takes it by a hair.

She was my freshman roommate and the first person I ever shared a room with. I love her dearly, and miss our nightly talks falling asleep.

My Favorite Red High Heels

2009-12-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

I just bought these a few days ago, but they're a favorite!

I've been looking for them for a year. And when I say them, I mean red high heels, and because I'm super picky when it comes to shoes, they have been hard to find. But these are super comfy and make me feel so feminine, which is always really nice.

My Favorite Day of the Semester

2009-12-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

THE LAST DAY!!!!

Even though, technically, my last day was yesterday, because I didn't have any classes on Fridays this semester, which was FANTASTIC!

But seriously, I am so HAPPY when the semester is over! It means I am that much closer to being done.

And if any of you were wondering, which I know you all were, I have 3 semesters left!!!! And that includes student teaching!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I will be graduating next spring. 2011.

Favorite Picture

2009-12-03T08:29:00.002-07:00

This is tied for my ALL time favorite picture of Christ. I came across this my freshman year when I was doing a Christmas gift exchange, and I was trying to find something for the name I drew (which happened to be Tat, strangely enough.) I fell in love with this picture, so I bought it and gave it to Tat for his Christmas present, leaving a few days later for home.

When I got back to school I found on my bed the same picture I bought for Tat, but for me. My friend Kylee knew how much I loved the picture, that she bought one and framed it so I could have one as well. This picture is so calming and loving, and so appropriately named "Lo, I am With you always."

(Traci Douglass created this masterpiece I love)

My Favorite Nephew

2009-12-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

Actually, he's my only nephew the little stinker, but he definately is a favorite of mine.

And with Brent and Patricia having another little girl in a few weeks that makes Tobin the only little boy on both sides of the family, so he gets extra spoiled, but that face is just too cute to not!

I can't wait to see him in 2 1/2 weeks! I haven't seen him since May and I'm having massive Tobin withdrawls. So we're getting some quality T&T time in for a couple of days.

Goals for December

2009-12-01T09:40:00.004-07:00

1. Finish all of my final papers the night before they're due.
2. Study for my only actual final I have.
3. Pray Daily.
4. Read at least 5 books off of my 'list'
5. Read the book for my clinical class next semester.
6. Make peace at home, when the house will be filled to the seams with people.
7. Make the most of every minute I have with Brent and Emma.
8. Remember who I am at all times.
9. Get at least one plus for every day I work (Sams Club encourages it, and threaten us with our jobs to get a plus upgrade every day that we work. They let me go home, the least I can do is try to get what they ask for)

Favorite Things

2009-12-01T00:03:00.001-07:00

For the month of December I'm going to be blogging my favorite things. Then in January, I promise, it'll be back to good ol' boring, regular blogging. Seriously!

Anyway, for the first one this month is this picture. I fell in love with this picture in Aprilish and I just HAD to have it. So this year I bought it when I came up to school. It now sits right above my computer, and it is one of my favorite pictures of ALL time.

(If you're wondering, it is from David Bowman)

Just Enough Time

2009-11-30T22:22:00.002-07:00

This week will be a crazy one!

I have just barely enough time to get everything done.

I have 5 papers (I hope that's all) to write, 4 lesson plans, 30+ hours of work and RA conferences.

I don't have much time for anything, even sleep, (so I probably shouldn't be on here blogging away, but.....)

I am glad that I have learned how to budget my time and have just enough to get through everything I need to get through.

2009-11-29T17:33:00.003-07:00

Going Home.

I'm going home. I'm thankful that I have the ability to do so.

I have a car, and I have money to get me there.

I am really happy that my boss, FINALLY after a lot of back and forthness, is allowing me to go home and spend the whole 2 weeks that Brent has off with Brent and my family.

2009-11-27T22:16:00.004-07:00

I'm SOOOO Excited for Chrismas!!

I just wrapped all the presents I've bought, and I love it. The feeling is so good.

I am so grateful (once again) that I will be able to go home for 2 weeks at Christmas.

I am so grateful that my WHOLE family will be together for Christmas! (Minus Lily. I keep telling Patricia to tell Lily to hurry up so we really all can be together...)

But I'm so excited!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:23:00.002-07:00

Today I woke up early. I couldn't sleep. The one day I am able to sleep in for as long as I want, and I can't.

I'm not super excited about this day, but I'm not dreading today either. I guess I'm kind of lackadaisical about today.

Last night when I got home from work there were about 10 cars outside my complex. Now there's just mine.

I am sad I don't have a close family, because if I did, I wouldn't have gone as far away as I did. But I needed to get away from my family when I was 17. I needed a change.

Now, I sit looking out the window wondering if all was worth it. I'm guessing so. I don't know yet. Maybe when I'm in a black cap and gown next year receiving my diploma, I will feel as if being far away was worth it.

But truly today, I have so much to be thankful for:
I have my life.
I have my faith.
I have the gospel.
I have my almost finished degree.
I have my family.
I have a roof over my head every night.
I have warm blankets.
I have shoes on my feet.
I have clothes on my back.
I have an institution which allows me to hold my opinions, while teaching me the opinions of others.
I have my life.
I have opportunities.
I have the ability to attain the American Dream
I have friends.

I'm sure I could go on and on. But, I am very blessed.

I have so much.

My job

2009-11-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful to have a job right now. I have been really stressed out trying to scrounge together enough money to pay for tuition next semester, and then I wasn't going to have any money for anything else, including food.

I started my job the beginning of October and was promised to have time off for when Brent has his military leave. Long story short, the people who told me I could have that time off no longer were able to make that decision and my time off was rejected.

Today, after about 2 weeks of harrassing my store manager, I was once again given permission to have 2 weeks off to go home.

I am so happy I don't have to quit, and can save up enough money to pay for school! And I can start saving for next year, as well as be able to have a little extra money for other little things. That's one thing I've hated about college, is that I only ever have enough for the essentials.

I can't come down from the clouds because I've been so upset the last few weeks about not being able to get off, and having to probably quit my job just to see my brother. No fun.

I am so thankful for my job, and thankful that I've made a good impression that they don't want me to quit!

Disciples of Christ

2009-11-24T10:38:00.001-07:00

I'm thankful today for people who care for me. People, who sometimes, I feel, care more about me than I do.

A Bad Day

2009-11-22T19:56:00.002-07:00

I know that this month, I'm supposed to be posting about things I am thankful for, but today I am having a BAD day, and am having a hard time thinking of much I can be thankful for.

I guess I am thankful for bad days, because it makes me appreciate the non-bad days that much more.

So now that we have my "thankful" can I tell you about my bad day?

I don't know why it was so "bad" but I kind of woke up that way. I woke up feeling out of sorts and unrested. I took a shower and got ready to go to church. I was running a little behind, but not much, and my roommate says "I'm leaving. Do you want me to save you a seat?" I responded sure. She left and I started to cry. I went back to bed in my dress and just lay there for 2 hours. I couldn't muster myself to get up again.

When I finally got out of bed, I changed clothes and cleaned up my room, thinking that is why I didn't feel well. When things get messy, my focus becomes messy, so I cleaned my room, and my desk. Still felt blahzay. So I got my stuff together so I could go to the library, but the library was closed. My luck.

So I just kind of drove around Logan for a while. My mom called, which you would think would make me feel better, but it didn't. It just made everything worse, because she doesn't like to listen to me for some reason.

I then took cookies to some friends, and they were thankful, but it just wasn't doing any good. I don't know why, but today has been bad.

I don't like being sad. It doesn't help that people exacerbate that sadness by saying and doing things. Even little things.

I think it's because the holidays are so close, and I don't get to go home. I like having a job, indeed I'm very thankful that I have my job, but I miss home. I miss my doggies. I miss the smell. I miss the scene. I just really want to go home.

I am stuck in Logan due to my job this week. I don't get to go home. I have to close the night before Thanksgiving, and I work the next morning.

I really was okay with this. Until my roommate kept telling me I wasn't allowed to stay by myself, and I wouldn't be okay. Etc., etc. But really I was. She insisted I had to go to her house, and as much as I don't like being with my family, I like being with her family even less.

But she's made me so angry about it, that now I'm not okay with it... or maybe I'm not okay with her. Either way, I'm peeved.

Whatever. I just want to go home. I also want her to stop badgering me. I'm sorry for the whiney post, but really? Really?

I'm praying tomorrow will be a good day. I need a good day in my life.

Family Recipes

2009-11-22T01:16:00.003-07:00

I love making recipes I grew up with. Tonight I made some "Candy Cane Cookies", but they didn't turn out like my mom's.

They taste the same, but they don't look nearly as pretty as hers do.

Trials

2009-11-21T00:24:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for my trials.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely HATE them, but I am grateful for the opportunity to perservere through them, because I know I'm going to be a stronger individual and daughter of God when I'm done.

I just hope, when I am done with the current trials I am experiencing, that God gives me a break for a small time.

To Be Me

2009-11-20T00:10:00.002-07:00

To be me isn't easy. I wouldn't curse that upon anyone else in the world. But I'm grateful that I am me. It's kind of a weird paradox but it's the truth.

I'm comfortable being who I am. I'm comfortable saying what I think. I'm okay being in my own skin.

So when I get comments, such as "are you expecting?" or "what a cute little baby bump!", I can easily just brush these comments off. I know I'm chubby, and I know that my body collects my fat in my stomach. I know this, but I'm okay. I don't get down when people say this. I've done it, so I can't be mad.

I also am okay to do things by myself. I'm a very independent person. I've been alone most of my life. For the longest time I always thought that I was different from my peers because of my religion, but when I moved to Utah, I was still different, so I know my religion had nothing to do with it. That's just who I am. I am kind of a loner, and I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with who I am, but for some reason other people aren't. Small tangent. My roommates today wouldn't let me leave the apartment without calling/texting a boy or two to go bowling with me. I don't get that. I wanted to go bowling. Going with a boy wasn't going to change how I played or the fact that I was going. But they for some reason, had it in their heads that I needed a boy to fulfill me. This kind of bothered me. In fact, it kind of ticked me off. I climbed out the window after pushing out the screen, because that's who I am.

I have never understood why people are afraid to do things by themselves. I think my background has conditioned me to do what I want regardless. My mom goes to church and sits by herself, because she knows that's where she needs to be. Just because no one talks to her, doesn't mean she stops going. My mom fixes "problems" without calling anyone, because we never had anyone to call. My mom would go to my school alone, because that's what she needed to do. So I look at "dating" and at "marriage" and "social lives" and they're kind of a joke to me. My roommates are so insecure that they can't go anywhere without having someone to go with. If I want to do something, I'm going to do it, regardless of any body else. That's just who I am.

I am thankful that I am me, and that I'm secure with who I am, because I am unafraid to be alone.

A Day Off- Sort Of

2009-11-19T10:33:00.002-07:00

As much as I love my job, I'm grateful I don't have to go in today. I was at work last night until 10:00pm and I have a lot of homework to do this morning, so of course I am blogging! But I enjoy a day off from at least one stresser in my life.

Friday the 13th

2009-11-16T10:08:00.003-07:00

I'm not superstitious as a general rule, but I was reading a friend of a friend's blog, and they had the worst friday the 13th I can ever imagine for a person. I can't even imagine what they must be going through. The Fleener Family is a friend of a friend, and I don't know them personally, but I've read their blog the last few days, and I can't even imagine feeling what they are feeling.

They lost their healthy 2 month old boy to a freak incident that no one can explain. One minute he was a healthy happy baby, the next he's not breathing. This kind of thing scares me to pieces about having children.

But I am thankful for the amazing knowledge of eternal families, that they will be reunited with their son after this life, and this is not the end.

Brent

2009-11-15T20:24:00.004-07:00

Brent is my oldest brother. I am so thankful for him in my life and for the example he has set before me.

I've mentioned in previous posts, our family isnt very close, but Brent has always been the one I look up to and admire. I love him in the most sincere way possible.

Here are some of the actions he has taken that make me thankful for him:
1. His honorable mission he served to Riverside California
2. His marriage to a returned missionary
3. His ability to be a great father despite his poor example
4. His encouragement of me and all that I do
5. His constant testimony

Brent has always thought highly of me, and has always told me so. Whenever I need to feel better about myself, is when I need a chat with my bro. I love and admire him so much. I know his life is tough right now, but he has shown me through his example the way to perservere through those hardships.

Sleep

2009-11-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I was a bit sleep deprived, a bit meaning a whole whopping 2 hours of sleep after a 14 hour day of school and work, followed by 4 hours of homework, with 2 hours of sleep. Then another 2 hours of homework, 5 hours of work, and 8 hours of school. I am thankful for a warm inviting bed, that is oh so comfortable now that I have a mattress pad and don't feel every spring in the 40 year old mattress!

Tonight I plan on sleeping GooD!

Enough.

2009-11-12T07:12:00.001-07:00

I am glad that I have just enough.

I don't have to worry about going hungry, or naked, or anything like that.

I am glad that I have just enough to get me by.

I've realized that the problem with our country is greed. Everyone is so greedy and has to have bigger and better things, and the minute they have an extra dollar in their account, they go and buy a $1200 television set, or a 4-wheeler, or new something.

I've never had much in my life, but I have always had just enough. Just enough for exactly what I need, exactly when I've needed it.

Memories

2009-11-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

I LoVe this picture. Beyond words do I love this picture. This was from my freshman year of college, and probably the most candid picture that has ever been taken of me.

I was going through pictures with my current roommate and I came across this one, and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Those were some good times. I have had great times since then, but this was a night to remember. I had milk spit in my face. Coffee cake was spit across the table. Lura and I lauged so hard we peed our pants, though I admit it and Lura won't.

*smile*

Friends

2009-11-10T10:08:00.003-07:00

And more specifically today: "my Daves"

These boys have been an absolute blessing in my life. I have never known such wonderful individuals in my life. They are some of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I met them my freshman year and they've been there ever since. Whether through letters (they were on missions for two years), random phone calls when I need them most, or just being my friend, they have been some of the most inspiring Christ-like people I have ever known.

David Payne, is seriously the most amazing person I have ever met. I don't know how to explain it, but his personality is magnetic for how caring and calm he is. I know he has struggles just like everyone else, but he is always willing to help with mine, and I don't know why. My freshman year, he spent an entire night encouraging me when I threw a pity party for myself. I felt so bad, because he had a HUGE math test the next day he should have been studying for, but my pity party was much more important to him.

Also, just last night, I texted him if he could do me a favor. He said sure. I asked him if he would take an institute class with me and even offered an explanation as to why I wanted him to do such a strange favor for me. He didn't need an explanation, and he was more than willing to do it.

I had my explanation ready: I haven't been to institute since my sophmore year, and every time I try to go, I stop going, because I feel like I don't have any friends in that class, I have too many credits, or this that or the other. I feel if I have a friend in a class with me, I will have an easier time going back to institute and have an easier time going back to church.

What a wonderful person he is.

This is David Eldredge, or Tat as I call him. Tati is Romanian for Dad. So if you haven't guessed yet, he was my FHE dad my freshman year, and though he told me on numerous times, "just call me dad" those of you who know my relationship with my father, know I couldn't do that, so Tat became the alternative.

The first week of school this year I had a family emergency. My family has been falling apart for a while, but this was serious. I didn' t know who to call, because I was trying to get church member's help in another state, in a place where I've never attended. I had not yet been to my ward, and I was calling anyone and everyone I could think of. Well, during this phone-calling escapade I had dialed Tat's number, but he didn't answer. So I called more people. After I finally got in touch with the right people, Tat called me back. I told him in a very vague sort of way what I was doing, but everything was fine now. He asked me where I was, and I told him I was at my apartment. He told me he was coming right then.

Dave had never been to my apartment, and five minutes later he called me from the parking lot, because he didn' t know which one was mine. I opened the door, and the minute he put his arms around me I started bawling. I seriously cried. I have never felt so much love before. He told me I needed someone just as much as every single one of my family members needed someone, and I didn't need to be alone. After I was done crying, we just sat and talked, like old times.

This is the true meaning of friendship. He had much better things to do on a Friday night I'm sure, but he spent it with me in my time of need.

Sorry for my extra-long post about boys, but they're more than that, and I hope you see that.

Goals for November

2009-11-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

I know this is kind of late, but better late than never.

#1. Finish all written assignments by Thanksgiving

#2. Make my bed every day

#3. Keep my room picked up and clean.

#4. Keep my desk cleared off

#5. Read my scriptures at least once a day

#6. Save enough for tuition for next semester

#7. Keep perspective

#8. Remain Sane

#9. Bowl at least 3 games in the 160s

#10. Smile and laugh daily.

Forgiveness

2009-11-09T12:43:00.001-07:00

I know that my first "thankful" post was about my Savior, but I truly am grateful that I know and have Him in my life. Today I watched Glenn Beck, and watched him talk a little about his conversion story, and I realized more than ever how truly grateful I am.

Even more so, I am so incredibly grateful for His forgiveness, and the sacrifice he made for me.

I haven't been so kind to Him lately, and I know that, and I know I need to change.

But how wonderful it is, that I am able to return to His open arms, and His loving contenance, enabling me to utilize His forgiveness in my life.

Thanks to the atonement I am able to be the person I want to be, regardless of the countless stupid things I have done the past year or so.

Education

2009-11-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for my opportunity I have been given to earn my education. It has not been an easy road, but I am really grateful for all of it. I have worked my tail off every summer so I can earn enough to go through the school year without any loans.

So far I have been in school for 3 1/2 years debt free. Unfortunately I still have a year and a half left. This last year is going to be the hardest. I had trouble finding a job this summer, and, well long story short, I am now working so I can pay for next semester.

But I am so grateful.

Thankful for You.

2009-11-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

For the month of November, I am only going to post things I am grateful for. I think so often in this life we forget to "give thanks" for what we truly hold dear to our hearts. That, and the fact that school gets kind of crazy this last month of the semester, and I won't be able to spend a lot of time blogging (as you can tell from my lack of scaries this last week.) I think it might be a little easier than coming up with scary things. That was tough!

Today, Today I am grateful for:

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of my Savior, and the sacrifices He made the way so I could be here today, learning and growing through Him.

Scary #31

2009-10-31T11:31:00.000-06:00

In a weird way, I think Remus Lupin was correct when speaking to Harry Potter about fear itself is what he most fears.

I often feel that way too. I'm scared of being scared. I'm afraid of being afraid.

Though most everything else I've talked about this month I don't like, I don't think I actually hold a deep fear for.

The Scariest Costume EvEr

2009-10-30T18:40:00.000-06:00

I just want you to know, the following image is quite frightening.

It just may be the scariest costume I have ever worn.

Brace yourselves, it really is quite something.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

It's a bit graphic?

Okay.

I'll let you see it.

See!

I told you it was scary!

Scary #23

2009-10-23T09:25:00.001-06:00

So, I've been standing in this "place" for quite some time now. I don't know which way I should "go". I'm scared that if I go "left" I'll regret it the rest of my life. But I think I know what I'll get if I go that way, and it's not horrible.

If I go the "right" way, uncertainty is waiting for me.

I shirk from decisions. Especially life altering ones.