Guilty

When I'm scared of someone hurting me, I push them away.


I kind of knew I did this, but last night, I caught myself in the act.


I won't tell you the details, but I was afraid of a friend hurting me down the road (soonish), and I started being sarcastic/mean. Saying things that were hurtful. It's what I do.

I don't usually realize this is what I do until later on down the road, but last night as I was saying something that I wanted to sting my friends ego, I realized that I was pushing him away. I don't want him to hurt me, so I'm hurting him before he gets the chance to hurt me.

This is a self-defense mechanism I learned as a small girl, and I thought it had gotten better, but apparently not.


Now you're probably asking, now Tiffany, why on earth are you posting this?


I'll tell you. Writing it down it because truth, and not just a thought in my head. And because it's truth, I can't deny it. And if I can't deny it, I might as well work on this. Because in all honesty, I don't want to lose his friendship, almost just as bad as I don't want him to hurt me.