Traitor

I have been in Colorado Springs since Sunday afternoon.

My brother called me on Saturday extremely upset. His wife left him and the kids in mid-March. She still comes and sees the kids, but only when it's convenient for her.

Anyway, on Saturday, she was vile, and said unnecessary things to him, and also told him she wanted a divorce. She also was a little too honest with what she's been doing the last few months.

On Saturday when he called, he kept saying "I just wish I had someone here" and "I want someone to talk to" etc. So I told him that if he wanted me to, I would come up. I don't start work until Tuesday the 1st, so I had a week I could spend.

I was under the impression that the kids had more interaction with their mom. Apparently not.

I spent the whole day yesterday with them. Their mom came, and Tobin started freaking out. I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye. He said no. I asked if he wanted to go with his mommy. he said no. Shaking his head and grabbing my arm. I felt helpless.

Yesterday, the kids didn't leave with their mom. She stayed here for a few hours and then left. Tobin clung to me the rest of the day. He even came with me to the store, which he never does. I asked if he wanted to go bye-bye, and he said no. I said okay, and started for the door. He saw me leaving and said "wait for me". To say the least I was surprised. Tobin has never been much of a "people person".

He came with me and was a good boy the whole time.

So today, I thought he would be better about going with his mom. He was worse. I felt like such a traitor when I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye, and got his shoes on him, and then when outside. He went running to my car and opened his door to get into his seat. I wanted to start crying.

His mom didn't understand. I could say a few things about her right now, but I'll refrain. Let's just say I've never liked her, since the first time Kale brought her home to meet us. I explained that his car seat was in my car. She said "I have my own car seat for him."

I said I know, but his seat is in my car, cause we went to the store yesterday. Then I took Tobin by the hand and led him to his mom's car. He started screaming. He gave me a look of despair. I really didn't want to do that to him. Not at all. I felt like such a traitor. He kept telling me he didn't want to go with his mom and I forced him into a car he didn't want to be in.

It's a hard position to be in. Knowing that a child doesn't want to go with his mom, but not able to do anything about it because I'm just the aunt, not the mom.

I wanted to cry. Especially when he put his hand against the window and said "please, no".

I hope tonight when he gets home from being with his mom, he won't be mad at me.

Relocation

Well, today my brother relocates his family to Germany.


Kind of a sad day.


Things got better after my last post, I think it was a combination of getting the stomach flu that week on Sunday night and having it until Tuesday or so, and not feeling well. I usually am over-sensitive when I don't feel good.

I'm kind of sad about my brother's move.

I mean, it's not like we were super close and spent all the holidays together or anything. In fact, I'll probably see him just as much or more than I did when he lived in the states, but moving out of the country just seems so much worse. I don't know if that's the right word, but you catch my drift I'm sure.


I'm happy for Brent and his family, and I think this is a great opportunity for them. I'm just sad for me.

I spent 2 blissful weeks with my niece Emma, and it was good medicine. She is such a character and I love her so much.

Also, it's the most time Brent and I have spent together since he first got home from his mission. Also good medicine.

Right before he left he asked me if it was going to be awkward.


I asked what?

He said, when you get married and pregnant, is it going to be awkward?

I said, No more awkward than you talking about Patty's boobs. (My sister in law, Patricia is breast feeding my other niece Lilly.)

It's weird to think, in four years, I likely could be married, and I likely could have children and/or be pregnant. My poor brother, has to see his baby-sister get old and grown up.

This is me and Brent at the airport right before they left. That's a good story I'll tell another day. It's not the best one of me, but it's the only one he's looking at the camera. Stinker.

Home

I'm home.

I'm trying not to be sad about it.

It's weird really. I couldn't WAIT to get out of Logan, leave my crappy job of little ol' Sam's Club, and now I just want to go back. Bad.

I don't know why I can never wait to get back here, to Durango.

There isn't anything here for me any more.

The few friends I had are no longer here, and I... just don't know.

I wish life were easy. To be honest, though I never would have admitted it back then, when I graduated high school, I thought I would be married in a year, two tops. Now four years later, I'm still not married, and have no prospects, though I'm okay with that.

I just wish it were easier to come home.

I love being home, but it just isn't the same it used to be.

My brothers both have babies and wives and those are much more interesting than Tiffany, even to my mom.

She even talked about taking "generation" pictures with my grandpa, and I could take them, because I didn't need to be in them. I know she meant no malice by her comment, but it just stung a little.

Brent is home, and I almost wish he wasn't. All I ever talk about it Brent, and how much I love him, etc. etc. but everytime we're together, it's just pure disappointment. My space is invaded, my sleep interrupted, and my routines changed. I know it's not due primarily to him but it's still frustrating, especially when he doesn't even talk to me.

I think I'm just tired, and frustrated. Maybe after I get out of the house, and start working, things will get better.

I sure as heck hope so.