Just so you know...

I will be going here very soon...

That's right folks. I've decided to go to Hamilton New Zealand to student teach. I will be leaving the states around March. What did you think I was going to say?

My True Love....

Turns 3 Today!!!!!!

Just Hours old...

A few Days old...

Tiffany's First visit....

Tobin's first Thanksgiving

Tobin's First Birthday

Tobin's Second Birthday

My man now.

It's crazy for me to see just how big he's gotten!

Guilty

When I'm scared of someone hurting me, I push them away.


I kind of knew I did this, but last night, I caught myself in the act.


I won't tell you the details, but I was afraid of a friend hurting me down the road (soonish), and I started being sarcastic/mean. Saying things that were hurtful. It's what I do.

I don't usually realize this is what I do until later on down the road, but last night as I was saying something that I wanted to sting my friends ego, I realized that I was pushing him away. I don't want him to hurt me, so I'm hurting him before he gets the chance to hurt me.

This is a self-defense mechanism I learned as a small girl, and I thought it had gotten better, but apparently not.


Now you're probably asking, now Tiffany, why on earth are you posting this?


I'll tell you. Writing it down it because truth, and not just a thought in my head. And because it's truth, I can't deny it. And if I can't deny it, I might as well work on this. Because in all honesty, I don't want to lose his friendship, almost just as bad as I don't want him to hurt me.

Tobin's Daddy

This is my brother Kale.

Kale and I have never gotten along. Ever.

We were O.K. after he moved out and got married, but we've never been close.

This summer, Kale and I have bonded.

I spent a lot of my weekends driving 5 1/2 hours one way to spend with Kale and the babies, becuase his wife left them.


I bonded with the kiddos, and with my brother. I was there for him in a capacity I have never been before. I think a lot of it is because Brent is in Germany, and often hard to have a conversation with because of the time difference.

Kale calls me now when he's having a hard day. He appreciates what I do for him and his children.

I spent my last weekend before I had to come back to school with him. During this visit he told me how much he appreciated my sacrifice. He also told me something that I thought was kind of strange.

We were leaving Walmart after doing some much needed grocery shopping. He turned to me and said, "This is going to sound kind of weird, but the next time I get married, I hope she's like you. Things aren't as stressful when you're around, like here at the store. The kids were always running wild and uncontrollable with Valerie, but with you. they're not."

I was extremely flattered my brother would say that about me. But when I told my mom, she asked me a question I never thought of, "would someone like you want to marry someone like Kale?"

My answer? No. Straight up. But I have come to love my brother in a new capacity this summer. I was able to serve him and his family in a very unique and special way.

My heart hurts for Tobin and Namara in a way that I can only imagine a parent feels, and that bond never would have happened, had I not used this summer to serve Tobin's Daddy.

The Girl Staring Back At Me

Tonight as I got ready for bed I looked in the mirror as I pulled my hair back into a pony, and I saw the most bright, beautiful green eyes, and I knew that I was a beautiful daughter of God. I knew it. There was no question whatsoever.

This hasn't always been the case. For many years, I never could look at pictures of myself without distaste and disgust. I hated looking in the mirror, because I failed to see what I needed to.

Then, about 4 years ago, something happened. I was a freshman here at Utah State. I had the most amazing FHE dad, who could see the beauty that was blocked from my vision, and would express what he saw, to me.

One day, I looked in the mirror, and I saw beauty. For the first time, really, in my life, I saw beauty staring back. I pulled my FHE dad aside, and I told him, "David, guess what? As I was getting ready in the vanity with Lura today, I just stopped and stared at myself, and do you know what I said?"

And David replied, "'I'm beautiful.'"

I looked at him with surprise and exclaimed "Yes!" In which immediately following he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Tiffany, you are beautiful! I'm going to tell you that everyday!"

That is one of my best memories, a good coming of age story if you will.

Anyway, that girl I saw 4 years ago, was the girl I saw tonight. There was a year or two in between then and now that I didn't see her, but I do now.

I see her all the time, in fact. Even with no makeup on my face and my hair pulled back, I see her.



And I like the Girl staring back at me.

When You Just Don't Know Anymore...

You turn it over to the Lord.

I know this is kind of cliche, but it's true.

I used to have such a hard time doing this, like really hard, and sometimes I still do.

But this week has been tough-ish.

I moved back to Logan from Colorado, and nothing has felt quite right. I'm stressed out, but I'm not stressed out. I'm nervous, but I'm not nervous.

I have so much going on right now, and my summer dissappeared before my eyes that being in school has been hard this year, and I've only gone 1 day!!!

But I just don't know what to do anymore.

Which is why I'm handing everything over.

Traitor

I have been in Colorado Springs since Sunday afternoon.

My brother called me on Saturday extremely upset. His wife left him and the kids in mid-March. She still comes and sees the kids, but only when it's convenient for her.

Anyway, on Saturday, she was vile, and said unnecessary things to him, and also told him she wanted a divorce. She also was a little too honest with what she's been doing the last few months.

On Saturday when he called, he kept saying "I just wish I had someone here" and "I want someone to talk to" etc. So I told him that if he wanted me to, I would come up. I don't start work until Tuesday the 1st, so I had a week I could spend.

I was under the impression that the kids had more interaction with their mom. Apparently not.

I spent the whole day yesterday with them. Their mom came, and Tobin started freaking out. I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye. He said no. I asked if he wanted to go with his mommy. he said no. Shaking his head and grabbing my arm. I felt helpless.

Yesterday, the kids didn't leave with their mom. She stayed here for a few hours and then left. Tobin clung to me the rest of the day. He even came with me to the store, which he never does. I asked if he wanted to go bye-bye, and he said no. I said okay, and started for the door. He saw me leaving and said "wait for me". To say the least I was surprised. Tobin has never been much of a "people person".

He came with me and was a good boy the whole time.

So today, I thought he would be better about going with his mom. He was worse. I felt like such a traitor when I asked him if he wanted to go bye-bye, and got his shoes on him, and then when outside. He went running to my car and opened his door to get into his seat. I wanted to start crying.

His mom didn't understand. I could say a few things about her right now, but I'll refrain. Let's just say I've never liked her, since the first time Kale brought her home to meet us. I explained that his car seat was in my car. She said "I have my own car seat for him."

I said I know, but his seat is in my car, cause we went to the store yesterday. Then I took Tobin by the hand and led him to his mom's car. He started screaming. He gave me a look of despair. I really didn't want to do that to him. Not at all. I felt like such a traitor. He kept telling me he didn't want to go with his mom and I forced him into a car he didn't want to be in.

It's a hard position to be in. Knowing that a child doesn't want to go with his mom, but not able to do anything about it because I'm just the aunt, not the mom.

I wanted to cry. Especially when he put his hand against the window and said "please, no".

I hope tonight when he gets home from being with his mom, he won't be mad at me.