Tobin's Daddy

This is my brother Kale.

Kale and I have never gotten along. Ever.

We were O.K. after he moved out and got married, but we've never been close.

This summer, Kale and I have bonded.

I spent a lot of my weekends driving 5 1/2 hours one way to spend with Kale and the babies, becuase his wife left them.


I bonded with the kiddos, and with my brother. I was there for him in a capacity I have never been before. I think a lot of it is because Brent is in Germany, and often hard to have a conversation with because of the time difference.

Kale calls me now when he's having a hard day. He appreciates what I do for him and his children.

I spent my last weekend before I had to come back to school with him. During this visit he told me how much he appreciated my sacrifice. He also told me something that I thought was kind of strange.

We were leaving Walmart after doing some much needed grocery shopping. He turned to me and said, "This is going to sound kind of weird, but the next time I get married, I hope she's like you. Things aren't as stressful when you're around, like here at the store. The kids were always running wild and uncontrollable with Valerie, but with you. they're not."

I was extremely flattered my brother would say that about me. But when I told my mom, she asked me a question I never thought of, "would someone like you want to marry someone like Kale?"

My answer? No. Straight up. But I have come to love my brother in a new capacity this summer. I was able to serve him and his family in a very unique and special way.

My heart hurts for Tobin and Namara in a way that I can only imagine a parent feels, and that bond never would have happened, had I not used this summer to serve Tobin's Daddy.

Thinking

I have been thinking a lot.

Just about an array of topics.

• I have been asked out 3 times in the last 2 weeks. This is not normal behavior for boys around Tiffany. This has brought on a lot of activity in my mind.
• Kale and Valerie are having serious problems. This makes my heart hurt.
• School. I'm almost done. What am I going to do with my life in a year from now?
• New Zealand. I have an opportunity to Student Teach there next year. Excited!
• Brent, Lilly, Emma, Patricia. I get to spend a little over a week with them before they move to Germany for several years.
• Money. I need it. I don't have it. School. Paying.
• Logan. How little I've come to really appreciate this amazing place I have spent the last 4 years of my life.
• Brother Krogue. My institute teacher. Truly inspiring. Love him and what he teaches me every day.

Anyway, lots on my mind as of late. It got me thinking, (imagine that). All of these topics ALL, and I mean ALL tie back to one thing. And one thing only:

Regrets. The ones I have, the ones I don't want to have.

I realize that I don't want to live my life with regret. I don't want to do anything that would cause me to feel this HORRIBLE emotion. Ever. I've felt enough of it, that I don't want to feel it anymore.

Therefore, I've deemed my last year at Utah State as my "No Regrets" year. I've realized there's so much I want to do and see that I've neglected for 4 years. I'm in the process of creating a list of the things I really want to do next year so I don't leave Logan ever thinking "I wish I had...." or "if only...."

These are two phrases I am going to slowly remove from my vocabulary and in so doing, I hope to fill my life with joy and a deeper understanding.

Decisions and Summer Plans

I have been having a rough few weeks. Only because I'm trying to figure out what I want to do this summer. I have been really hesitant to go home because my boyfriend of 2 summers and I broke up and we won't be doing anything together.

I also would love to spend a summer in Logan, just once.

I am up for a promotion at work. I'll find out on Wednesday who they chose.

For a while, I wanted it to be me.

But today at church I received a "revelation" of sorts.

I was sitting in my seat, listening to the lesson, (I think) and a image of my mom and me and my doggies were out in the summer sun, fishing.

I got my answer. I've been asking Heavenly Father for a while, what I should do, what I need to do, and I got my answer.

I'm going home.

I'm going to spend time with my mom. I'm not going to work my little tushie off, and I know Heavenly Father will provide accordingly.

This will be my summer:
I'm going to work M-F and be done by 6pm at the latest. No weekends, no closings.

• Mom and I are going to do leagues (bowling), our team name: The lucky ducks. :D
• Mom and I will spend our weekends going hiking, fishing, and who knows what else
• Mom and I are going to go to the rec center and work out and go to aerobics
• Mom and I are going to the park to fly kites at LEAST once a month
• Mom and I are going to enjoy a Netflix's subscription
• I'm going to enjoy myself
• I'm going to find myself
• I'm going to have FUN

Thoughts

Today, I was thinking. I was thinking about an abundance of things, but we won't go into detail about that.

I had a thought of my brother come into my head. He and I have never gotten along much, especially as children. Now, for the most part, we're okay.

I was thinking about how I never imagined for even a glimmer of a moment Kale being a father. I couldn't fathom it.

As a young teenager, I had it all planned out in my head: Brent would be the first to be married, close to the time he returned from his mission. I would be next, married after my first year of college, and Kale would be last, lucky if he ever found someone who could put up with him.

As a college student, my thoughts have changed.

Kale was married after my first year of college, and Brent was married shortly into my second. Kale also had a baby shortly before Brent's wedding. Brent had a baby 10 months later. Kale had a baby 7 months later. Brent had another baby 10 months later. So if all this didn't confuse you, we are now in the present day.

I thought back to when I was young and Kale was mean. When he used to lose his temper and hit me, and how I cowered. It got scary, especially the older he got.

I never imagined for a moment Kale would ever be a father. Brent, sure, that was a given. But Kale. Never.

When Kale and Valerie had Tobin they were happy. Tobin wasn't the best baby, but he was managable. Things were good. Kale loved that little boy, and was good to that little boy, better than I've ever seen. Kale genuinely cared for his family.

When Namara was born, there was stress put on the family. Kale had been graduated for about 3 1/2 months and still was unable to find a job. They had relocated to Colorado Springs, and things were tight. Namara was fussy, and Tobin still unable to communicate (he being only 1 1/2 at the time) and Kale and Valerie started having serious problems.

They fought. They almost broke up 3 times, that I know of.

My heart ached for my niece and nephew. Kale and I didn't come from great circumstances, and we both had to deal with it in our own ways. I didn't want to see the heartache I was feeling come into the lives of my babies. They are so innocent, so blinded from heartache, that I felt it for them; I cried for them.

Today, I read my brother is again, in search of a new job. I pray that his family won't fall apart. The family he wonders whether or not was worth it. The family that has brought so many memories to my life.

I hope that Kale can start being a better Dad again when he finds work. I pray that God blesses him in his search, that he won't have to turn to military means where he leaves his family behind.

My Favorite Nephew

Actually, he's my only nephew the little stinker, but he definately is a favorite of mine.

And with Brent and Patricia having another little girl in a few weeks that makes Tobin the only little boy on both sides of the family, so he gets extra spoiled, but that face is just too cute to not!

I can't wait to see him in 2 1/2 weeks! I haven't seen him since May and I'm having massive Tobin withdrawls. So we're getting some quality T&T time in for a couple of days.

Brent

Brent is my oldest brother. I am so thankful for him in my life and for the example he has set before me.

I've mentioned in previous posts, our family isnt very close, but Brent has always been the one I look up to and admire. I love him in the most sincere way possible.

Here are some of the actions he has taken that make me thankful for him:
1. His honorable mission he served to Riverside California
2. His marriage to a returned missionary
3. His ability to be a great father despite his poor example
4. His encouragement of me and all that I do
5. His constant testimony

Brent has always thought highly of me, and has always told me so. Whenever I need to feel better about myself, is when I need a chat with my bro. I love and admire him so much. I know his life is tough right now, but he has shown me through his example the way to perservere through those hardships.

Friends

And more specifically today: "my Daves"

These boys have been an absolute blessing in my life. I have never known such wonderful individuals in my life. They are some of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I met them my freshman year and they've been there ever since. Whether through letters (they were on missions for two years), random phone calls when I need them most, or just being my friend, they have been some of the most inspiring Christ-like people I have ever known.

David Payne, is seriously the most amazing person I have ever met. I don't know how to explain it, but his personality is magnetic for how caring and calm he is. I know he has struggles just like everyone else, but he is always willing to help with mine, and I don't know why. My freshman year, he spent an entire night encouraging me when I threw a pity party for myself. I felt so bad, because he had a HUGE math test the next day he should have been studying for, but my pity party was much more important to him.

Also, just last night, I texted him if he could do me a favor. He said sure. I asked him if he would take an institute class with me and even offered an explanation as to why I wanted him to do such a strange favor for me. He didn't need an explanation, and he was more than willing to do it.

I had my explanation ready: I haven't been to institute since my sophmore year, and every time I try to go, I stop going, because I feel like I don't have any friends in that class, I have too many credits, or this that or the other. I feel if I have a friend in a class with me, I will have an easier time going back to institute and have an easier time going back to church.

What a wonderful person he is.

This is David Eldredge, or Tat as I call him. Tati is Romanian for Dad. So if you haven't guessed yet, he was my FHE dad my freshman year, and though he told me on numerous times, "just call me dad" those of you who know my relationship with my father, know I couldn't do that, so Tat became the alternative.

The first week of school this year I had a family emergency. My family has been falling apart for a while, but this was serious. I didn' t know who to call, because I was trying to get church member's help in another state, in a place where I've never attended. I had not yet been to my ward, and I was calling anyone and everyone I could think of. Well, during this phone-calling escapade I had dialed Tat's number, but he didn't answer. So I called more people. After I finally got in touch with the right people, Tat called me back. I told him in a very vague sort of way what I was doing, but everything was fine now. He asked me where I was, and I told him I was at my apartment. He told me he was coming right then.

Dave had never been to my apartment, and five minutes later he called me from the parking lot, because he didn' t know which one was mine. I opened the door, and the minute he put his arms around me I started bawling. I seriously cried. I have never felt so much love before. He told me I needed someone just as much as every single one of my family members needed someone, and I didn't need to be alone. After I was done crying, we just sat and talked, like old times.

This is the true meaning of friendship. He had much better things to do on a Friday night I'm sure, but he spent it with me in my time of need.

Sorry for my extra-long post about boys, but they're more than that, and I hope you see that.

Christmas is Early this Year

Christmas is HERE!

Can't you tell?

The smell of baked goodness in the kitchen...

Snow covered mountains, and snowmen in the yard...

The bite of wind that takes your breath away everytime you venture outside...

The taste of warm hot chocolate burning your tastebuds...

The drenched jeans and sore muscles...

Maybe not.

I wish it were Christmas tomorrow. Brent and Patricia are coming home with little Emma for Christmas this year.

I have not seen Brent in a really long time, and I miss him dearly.

When Christmas does come, it will have been 2 1/2 years since I have seen my brother.

I am so excited to have my whole family together for Christmas; something that has not happened since Brent left for his mission in January of 2003.

"Hurry Christmas, hurry fast... I can hardly stand the wait; Please Christmas don't be late."